We Had a Talk

And we'll have many more before long. My twelve year old goes off to high school on September 3, 2012 and life as we know it will inevitably change. One thing that cannot change from my end is the free flow of information, even if it seems to fall on deaf ears. So we had a talk today; about condoms specifically.

Talking to him about sex has been a rolling process, releasing age appropriate details at every stage, building on a foundation of respect for self and responsible behaviour. This was an important installment as we approach the teen years. Although we spoke about waiting and marriage, I'm pragmatic, my parents didn't know about my first time and chances are, I won't know about his. As a mother talking to your son about sex, it may seem more challenging than it needs to be. In the end for me, biology is an important baseline.

We started the talk at home and began the demonstration in our pharmacy, where he asked for the condom himself. It is important to me that he knows that buying condoms is a simple exercise. If you're a prude or very religious in your outlook, you may not approve of my approach; but I don't need your approval so no harm done. Everything up to this point has been much within my control, so I'll use what leverage I still have to drive my message home. At this point it's a simple but critical message - don't ever feel afraid or ashamed to protect yourself; buying condoms should be easy and painless.

To be clear the discussion up to and including now has been about the body as a temple. Temple being a metaphor for respect, reverence, love, pride, cherish, special, wonderful, relationship and personal responsibility. It has included the meaning and significance of "no", in a sexual context. A girl's no means just that; not maybe, not perhaps, not I'm just kidding, just no.  For him, saying no may not be as easy, the male ego is a strange beast, but hopefully the idea that he too can say, no, will stick. 

So we drove home listening to "Watch the Throne", with him giving me side glances when the language was harsh, and me skipping to the songs with fewer swear words. No we don't always listen to "parental advice" music but I won't pretend he doesn't hear them so sometimes I indulge him. He's learned to skillfully navigate the F word because I'm clear that it's not worth getting into trouble over. At home he started the demo with “pinch, leave an inch" and I explained what the inch is for. He opened the packet, removed one of the two condoms and he practiced on three fingers before going to the bathroom to try on the condom. He emerged from the bathroom and advised that it didn't fit because his penis wasn't erect. I replied, “yes, I know” and reminded him that if it doesn't fit he's not ready to have sex. He wondered if it'll ever fit and I assured him that, in time, it will fit just right. 

He asked me why he will need to wear one and I gave him only two reasons; to protect himself and his partner from disease and to prevent pregnancy. He asked, “so what if she wants to get pregnant”, I advised him that the decision to be a father is his to make as well and if she can't wait, she should find someone else to be with. He asked when to put it on and I told him before and that he is always responsible for his own protection. I entertained and answered all his questions, some totally (or apparently) unrelated. I advised him how to dispose of a used condom, and then he washed his hands and asked if dinner was ready.

This was one of those milestone moments and it wasn't easy. It was an acknowledgment that my baby is not a baby anymore and how quickly it all happens. He first asked me what a condom is when he was seven years old and the answer then did not include the details of how to use one or what one looked like. Today was different; today I had to see a man in the making and hope, that when the time comes, his values will guide him.

 

Yes, today we had a talk and, we'll have it many more times before long because this, like everything else so far, is worth repeating.